Happy Birthday To Me (:

I wrote that on my phone. and everyone who saw it gave me the LOOK.

heyy!! who says one can't wish herself happy birthday :D

i don't feel 18. xD and yes i don't look 18 either as many, many, MANY lovely people have taken it upon themselves to mention it to me today xP

anyway just a few days ago, i was rummaging through my old stuff and i chanced upon a diary that i kept back in primary sch and on to RG. no one was at home and so the house was super peaceful. the atmosphere was damn right when i sat down to flip through the pages. man, was i innocent last time la! xP and my handwriting was atrocious hahaha. so anyway, when i was laughing at my chicken scrawl, i came across something that made me stop short.

i was introducing myself to my diary (DON'T LAUGH AT ME), then i wrote "... and i'm very happy with life."

the simplicity and the sincerity of those 5 words made me realise how over the past 2 years no matter how "happy" i felt, there were always various problems nagging at the back of my mind. talk about wet blankets. but at that period when i wrote about how happy i was, it was just pure, unadulterated joy.

it made me smile, and yet it made me sad at the same time. at that split moment, i really really wanted to turn back time. to go back and slowly savour every second, every minute of happiness that i didn't cherish. to make right every wrong decision that i made. to save all the friendships that went wrong.

oddly, as i was reminiscing about my RG days, i thought about someone whom i haven't been talking to for an entire year, someone who left me feeling bitter about friendships. and strangely enough, i suddenly miss her. but then, that sensation went away as quickly as it came because by now, i'm used to telling myself that there's no use thinking about stuff that will upset me.

even though many people say that one shouldn't keep dwelling on the guilt and regret of the past, but honestly, i think that sometimes one needs to look back to be able to take a step forward, to put things in perspective.

so by some freaky coincidence or God's divine intervention, i just had the most unexpected birthday in my 18 years. i mean the celebration wasn't crazy but the things that happened blew my mind luh.

i mean i knew the situation for the more recent problem wasn't as simple as it looked, but i didn't expect that even the old OLD problem had a different side to the story. the weirdest part was that BOTH things had to surface and take a sudden turn on my birthday.

two of my previous best friends, two different problems but the same shocking revelation. i'm stilll unsettled from what happened today, and until now i don't know if i should be happy or upset. i'm thankful but it's like throwing the broken pieces away, then having to take them back and glue them together again.

just a while back i vowed to not ever care about anything anymore cos i don't want to get hurt again, i'm tired.

人需要学会拿得起放得下, 我放下了, 没事了, 让自己失去知觉. 但是事过那么久, 直到今天我才发现, 当自己发觉事情还有转地之余, 原来心还懂得动 ,眼泪还是会流

ultimately, even though i learnt not to be too dependent, to stay strong, i can never change the fact that underneath it all i'm still soft-hearted and friendships still mean a lot to me. no rushing, no second-guessing this time. let's all just start over again.

on a brighter note, thankyou pauline, husena, yen, hannah, huierh (who called all the way from UK!), siyun, jeryl, and the rest of my class plus hongye, charmie, meli, shihua, yingxuan, chuashiqi etcetc for making me happy today (: love you all!